January 15, 2000
fears

many a sleepless night I lay in bed and ponder
the evil thoughts that plague my mind
remnants of the past that still haunt my dreams
turning them into horrible nightmares
the hurt and pain I have suffered in my life
flood back into the forefront of my thoughts
I want to disregard them but it is no use
I remember vividly the strength of emotion
the enduring agony of betrayal
moments of silence which I wanted to break
the anger that resides within my being
turned upon myself to avoid confrontation
how I wanted to just walk away
never looking back at the source of pain
the heartache of being cheated on
frustrations of words falling on deaf ears
periods of loneliness and depression
losing all sense of who I am
neglecting to acknowledge my own worth
failing to see my triumphs
dwelling on a history of insecurities
living in a world full of hatred
intolerance for differences that should be celebrated
I fear for my life, for my sanity
I pray that my love survives against all odds
hoping to realize what my lover sees in me
wanting to know what keeps him close
fighting against feelings of jealousy and suspicion
putting faith in the trust I have placed upon him
wishing for my family to open up
for my parents to listen to what I say
to let it have some effect on them
even in the very slightest of ways
secretly desiring to know what people think of me
but at the same time afraid of what I may find out
these are some of my fears
a glimpse of what goes on in my head

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