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March 9, 2004
Sometimes, I just forget that I have this journal online. So much has been going on the past few months since my last entry. I've already moved twice!!! Anyways, I have been feeling pretty emotionally spent the last few days. Work is driving me up the wall as of late. I'm not sure how much more of the b.s. I can take from people at work... the customers and the employees are pushing me to the edge of my sanity. It makes you wonder how some people can hack it in customer service or retail jobs. I swear all the customers came from hell... one after another... I wanted to break down and cry. Not to forget my slacker employees. People just get too secure in their jobs and think they can do what they want. They forget that they have a job to do and they come up with the lamest excuses when you find that they're not doing what you ask them to do. If it were up to me, I'd have most of the staff fired by now. All this makes me realize that I am not on the right career path for myself and I guess it kinda scares me. I conisder going back to school more and more, but I want to make sure that if I do go back to school that I choose something that I will actually use for myself. My psychology degree was earned more for my personal benefit in the sense that it helped me to understand myself and my interactions with other people a little bit better... a lot better. Now, I need to find something that sparks this interest in me as a career path... something I can see myself doing and actually enjoying day in and day out. If only I had taken voice lessons when I was younger so that I can belt out all the song lyrics that get stuck in my head... thank goodness for Karaoke Revolution, CDs, and the radio.
All this talk about the gay marriage issue is so mind-boggling. What's the big deal? No one is asking for special rights... we're just asking for EQUAL rights. Who has the right to tell people that they can't solidify a loving relationship by getting married? The marriage itself doesn't really affect anyone but the two people who have decided that they want to marry each other. It's really pathetic that one of the arguments against gay marriage is that the "sanctity" of marriage would be compromised because two people who love each other happen to be of the same sex. At the same time, the divorce rate is still steady at about 50%... what does that say about the "sanctity" of marriage?
My friend Jonathan wants to get married to his partner Gitai in a couple weeks down in Portland. Sad to say, but the decision to expedite the date of the wedding has added to a lot of the emotional stress I've been experiencing the past few days (as I had mentioned at the beginning of this journal entry). I am to be the best man and I was expecting that the wedding wasn't going to happen until September and now I come to find out that they want to do it much sooner... to the point where it has blind-sided me. I don't want to stand in the way of my friend's happiness, but the timing was just not so right. I don't know if it's selfish, but the announcement to have the wedding in March rather than in September puts me in a rather stressful situation. Short notice for a wedding that I am supposed to be a witness to and I am expected to rearrange my whole schedule to help make it happen? My first reaction was one of insult when I was badgered to request days off that have already been scheduled as work days. Ugh, I can't even put into words all the feelings that come back to me after the surprise request. I'm a little thankful that I've been given a little more time to plan for this occasion now, but I guess a lot of the upset is still with me and here is how I am releasing it... but I know I will have to confront my friend about it as well so he is aware of how this has made me feel. I want to share in his happiness, but I've got to do it on my own terms and feel like I'm doing it of my own accord rather than feeling as though I have been pressured to do something for which I am not ready... OK, I'm tired now...
September 26, 2003
My baby love Nick is still asleep. He is so peaceful. I've been getting up pretty early in the mornings even without an alarm. I've been setting my alarm, but waking up either way before it or just before it goes off. It has been so nice getting the opportunity to wake up next to Nick. I love that feeling I get when I get to see him first thing in the morning. I am so in love with him. I kinda stayed up a little last night trying to work out an idea or a couple ideas for a 5-person management schedule rotation. I think I have a couple of good ideas and maybe I can show them to my assistant manager and see if she implements them or considers them... although I am off for the next couple days. Oh well. Today is payday so that means I can have some fun... after paying off the bills. Bills Bills Bills. Anyways, gonna catch up with my online pal, Bran. Laterz.
September 14, 2003
I am like in a state of dreams or something tonight. I've had a very eventful day full of friends and full of love in my heart. I took my friends Diana and Jessica around Seattle today to take in the sights on a gorgeous day. We checked out the Pike Place Market, had lunch out on Broadway, visited the Fremont Troll, and took a lovely walk around Greenlake. After that, I ended up at a block party with my friends Melody, Deborah, and Tina. I was supposed to hang out with Greg tonight, but I somehow lost my energy after the block party. Now I'm on my computer chatting with my man Nick and my friend Shae. Shae just informed me that he came out to his family and friends all because of a letter I wrote 4 years ago. You can actually find this letter here on my website. It's the letter I wrote to my parents that I was going to give to them as my way of coming out to them. They never got the letter but I posted it on my website to remind myself of how it felt to have to gather up the courage to admit something like that to people I love. I am just amazed that something I have written can have such an inspirational impact on someone I have yet to meet, but have had the chance to talk with online. It blows my mind what words can inspire people to do and it makes me really proud and very flattered that it has had that effect on someone's life to have him take action in that way to alter his life. Such lovely emotions swirling around in my essence. Take care everyone. :)
September 12, 2003
Why can't I fall asleep? All I can think about right now is my baby, Nick. It's not a bad thing to think about him... I really, really miss him. *sigh* All I can do is look at any pictures I have of him and just wait till I can spend time with him again. It would be so much easier if he and I lived together already, but we both agreed that it's a good thing for us to have this time apart to take care of our financial and living situations before we venture into getting a place together. It gives us more time to really get to know each other as well. I love learning new things about my baby. It's just so strange that two people could find love over the internet. But then again, it's happened once before for me. Even some of my friends have met their love over the internet and gotten married, too. But I keep having these withdrawals whenever Nick isn't here with me. I realize it's only been a couple days since I last saw him, but that makes no difference to the way I feel. It hasn't ceased to amaze me how happy I can be just knowing that someone is out there who loves me for who I am and all this anticipation over the next chance I will get to spend time with him can drive me a little insane at times. This only serves as a reminder that no matter how dorky I can get or how seemingly weird or random I become around him he will still love me because it is just a part of who I am. I spend way too much time online. If my financial situation were a whole lot better than it is now... I'd be out having a good old time dancing the night away or having a few drinks with my friends or something other than sitting here in front of my computer. Anyway, it's about time for bed now... about 2:20 AM Pacific Time... woohoo... I start work about 12 hours from now. I've said it many times before, but it always makes him happy (and myself) when I say it... I love you, Nick!!!
September 11, 2003
Wasn't it just 2 years ago that a truly unbelieveable event occurred on the East Coast? When I first heard about terrorist attacks at the Twin Towers in New York, I was just in utter shock. It just seemed like something that would happen in a movie, but it was an event that took place in reality and has altered so many lives. I just wanted to take a moment to give my respects to everyone who was affected by that event...
Since then, everyone has been hard at work to move on with their lives. Events like that just push you to the limit and may motivate you to improve aspects of your life. I find myself becoming more active in improving the circumstances of my life right now. I'm seeking out ways to consolidate all my credit debt. I'm thinking about the near future. I want to have as little debt as possible when the time comes for me to take my relationship to the next level and move in with my love, Nick. The past 6 weeks have seemed to pass by so quickly. I have grown so much more in love with Nick and that motivates me to do everything I can possibly think of to make my personal circumstances much more manageable. I think it is in the best interest of any two parties to go into a joint venture with as clean a slate as possible before the merger. I will admit that some of my friends have also encouraged me to take care of my financial situation in this manner. I'm growing up. I'm becoming even more mature than I ever was in the past. I may not act like it sometimes around my friends, but maturity has seemed to be a mainstay with me since I was growing up. I always felt "different." While everyone around me seemed to be having fun, I just seemed to take things a little more seriously... maybe to a fault, a little TOO seriously. I feel as though everything is starting to fall into place for me and I'm becoming much more satisfied in my life. I am so very happy and in love with Nick. The quote that Nick mentioned to me about how he feels about me holds true about how I feel about him and it comes from the movie As Good As It Gets: "You make me want to be a better man." I love you, Nick.
September 4, 2003
HE LOVES ME!!! So I took the big step and told Nick that I love him while we were laying in bed really early this morning. He gave me a really passionate kiss and said "I love you, too." Gawd, we drove each other to tears of joy and happiness. I was so scared, but it felt right and I couldn't keep it inside any longer. There were so many signs that Nick had to feel the same way about me that I feel about him and all those signs were proven to be correct. I am so very happy. It was funny. I had envisioned that I would tell him that I love him at some cute little restaurant or out on one of our late night walks in the park or on the waterfront. But it happened in the early hours of this morning while we were laying in bed and we couldn't really fall asleep because it was so damn hot. So I made to cuddle with him and I just let the words come out... "I love you."
Three little words can turn your world upside down, but those three little words convey so much deep emotion when uttered with the purest of intentions coming from the heart. Just thinking about this morning and how we spent our love-filled time together... sends me to the verge of tears all over again. As if it weren't hard enough to be away from my baby, it's even harder now that we've expressed our deep-seeded love for each other... Nicholas Ryan, I LOVE YOU!!!
September 3, 2003
"I think I love you. So what am I so afraid of?" This lyric has been popping into my head so much lately. I've been fortunate in life to feel that real love at least once in my life. I can say that my heart is leaning and falling quite hard for my new man Nick. I can't get him out of my head. I think about him when I'm not stressing myself out at work or when my mind just seems too busy to focus on him, but he's always there in my heart. He's my focal point, my relaxing point... when I get to have any type of interaction with him... I am in a better place with myself. I must admit the fears from previous relationships have been able to creep into my thoughts here and there in this new relationship, but I am truly grasping the feeling that they are falling back and giving way to the overwhelming emotions I experience when I interact with Nick. He surprises me with the words he whispers in my ears at night when we're cuddling in bed. He brightens my day with his warm smile and the twinkle in his eyes when I peer into them with a loving gaze. As I'm writing this... another song is playing in the background "Where Is The Love?" by Black Eyed Peas. Well, I have an answer to that in my personal life. I can't hide or hold back any more what I am feeling because it is so heartfelt and deep that I know it can only come from the purest of places. I LOVE NICK!!! That's the fact of the matter. Every day, I learn something new about him when I talk to him or get to spend time with him. I catch on to nuances in his personality, the way he carries himself, the way he just acts naturally... with no pretenses around me... he is genuine and real. I've fallen in love with a real man. One who isn't afraid to share his feelings with me. One who isn't afraid to demonstrate his affections with me in public in the face of homophobia. I know how to be myself around him... I'm getting to know myself around him. I like the person I am and I will continue to learn more and more about myself and about the man I love as the days go by. On a side note that may or may not reflect on the words I have just written, my Chinese zodiac sign is a Horse and one characteristic of the Horse is that we tend to fall in love easily... well, whether or not this is true to reality... I am in love with Nick and I am going to share that with him and the rest of the world who cares to know about it by reading about it here or hearing about it from yours truly. :)
September 2, 2003
*Sigh* The conclusion to the Bravo show "Boy Meets Boy" was so exciting and tense. I was SO happy that James chose Wes and that Wes is gay. I would have been really pissed if James ended up choosing the straight guy out of the final three (which turned out to be Franklin). Brian was a real cutie and sweetheart, too. I think the show as a whole put out the message that there really isn't any difference between a straight relationship and a gay relationship. The whole basis of a relationship should be focused on love and interactions between two people who care about each other regardless of what combination of people the couple consists of: 2 men, 2 women, a man and a woman...
Watching how happy James and Wes looked when the final decision was made and it concluded with a new couple being introduced to the world, it just drove me to tears and I am really starting to miss my own sweetheart. The fact that James and Wes may not have met if it weren't for the show makes me think of the fact that I may not have met my sweetie Nick had it not been for the internet. We basically grew up in nearby neighborhoods, but never crossed paths until meeting online. I'm feeling emotions that I haven't felt in years. It's very exciting. It's very refreshing. I learn so much more about myself when I am with him and I am also learning so much more about him with every day that passes by. It is so great to be with someone who can understand where you are coming from because you kinda think along the same lines. We've been through a lot of situations and experiences that have molded us into the people we are today and we like who we are and we like who the other person is in this relationship. I can't compare this relationship to any relationship I've had in the past. I still harbor some fears due to being hurt in past relationships, but I'm learning to overcome those fears little by little as my relationship develops with Nick. I'm 24 years old, but I am still growing and maturing as a person and it's just amazing to me that I can do this comfortably with another person who I care about so much.
August 13, 2003
It's been nearly a month since I last wrote here and a lot of things have changed since then. I went from one of the really low points in my life to one of the really high points in my life within the span of a day. I started dating this guy (you know who you are if you're reading this) who I took one look at and thought he was the hottest guy I have ever met. It took about a month of chatting with him online and then finally hanging out with him for a second time to realize that there is something between us. I've been so happy ever since that sometimes I just don't know how to shut up. His smile brightens even the darkest days for me. I can get so lost in his eyes when I get the chance to gaze into them. I must admit it's a challenging relationship because I live in Seattle and he lives in Tacoma, but the distance factor proves to be something worthwhile at this stage in our relationship. We both understand that it takes the two of us to make this relationship work and by having time to lead our separate lives in two different cities makes our time together seem that much more special. I certainly miss him when he's not around, but I just tell myself that I'll either get to talk to him or see him soon and it's not bad at all. I know he cares about me and I care about him and that knowledge is what keeps me going. He's intelligent, sweet, affectionate... I can go on and on, but what I'm trying to say is that he demonstrates characteristics that catch my attention. I hope to write more entries on this journal with this kind of feeling behind them. I'm so very happy. Thank you, Nick. :)
July 20, 2003
Funk city!!! I don't know what happened... I think I just fell off my high... no, not what you're thinking at all. I haven't written anything since April it looks like. Life's been weird. Changes are happening every day and I'm not too sure what to make of it. One day I'm all happy and giddy and cheery... the next I'm all bitter and jaded and wanting to be alone only because that's the way I already am. Psychology coming into play in my life... just to analyze how I'm feeling... diagnosing myself with problems that are all in my own head and not really based on substantial evidence... just my mood. Can't expect to be appreciated if you don't even appreciate yourself sometimes. I guess I am too passive-aggressive. I'm losing my mind... I'm forgetting how to have fun... such a tragedy... falling into the DRAMA trap... ugh. BE GONE!!!!
April 8, 2003
It's freakin' 5:35 AM on Tuesday morning and I have not gone to bed yet. How insane am I? I was falling asleep after watching a couple movies, but as soon as I moved up off the futon I nearly fell asleep on... I just woke up again. 'Drift' is a really good movie. It portrays gay life the way I have seen it happen to myself or to my other gay friends. I was weirded out by the multiple possibilities that were portrayed in the movie. That aspect of the movie made it very confusing, but at the same time it made some sense as well. There are many possibilities that follow decisions we make in life. After it's all said and done, the hardest thing to come away with would be to live life without regret. You make mistakes; you experience good times and bad times with anyone you encounter in this life; you have to live your life from moment to moment because you can't control everything... not even yourself sometimes. I am admittedly a control freak. When things don't go the way I 'planned' them or if things don't turn out anywhere near my expectations, I freak out major. I lose control of myself and in doing so I may lose sight of a happy moment. Putting too much thought into events out of my control gets me stressed out and I definitely need to work on curbing that method of thinking. Some of the best things in life come from unexpected sources. I'm thinking that 'Drift' would be a good movie to own now that I have seen it. Anyway, I should put myself to bed before I stay awake for an entire 24-hour period and beyond.
March 26, 2003
'Underappreciated' It's not just a song title from Christina Aguilera's latest album. It's a truly genuine feeling that we may experience at several points in life. From my own perspective of my life, I've experienced what seems like more than my share of instances of feeling underappreciated. I can't pinpoint what has triggered this feeling, but it's kinda been getting to me for the past week or so and I just am not sure how to rid myself of this frickin' feeling. I can't read myself anymore and I am sure I confuse anyone who attempts to know me... not that I have felt that anyone has gotten to know me anymore either. I'm a frickin' confused 24-year-old who is so looking forward to a break from everything.
It's funny that I write some very personal feelings in this online journal. It's accessible to anyone who surfs the internet. Hell, who knows which friends still remember this website even exists? This kinda seems easier than taking a pen or pencil to paper. I guess it acts like a record of some history of my life that I choose to post on the website. Of course, it might be a little edited because anyone can access this... but it stays fairly true to how I am feeling... otherwise, I wouldn't be bothering with typing all this out in the first place. Anyways, I just felt a need to vent a little and now it's time to stop thinking for a while.
March 13, 2003
It was like watching history repeat itself... only with different characters and seeing it on TV instead of experiencing it in real life. How strange my life has been... noticing little details about the life I experienced in the recent past just by watching episodes of Queer As Folk. It was totally like reliving my life all over again. It's almost a twisted form of deja vu if I must say so myself. I won't go into the details of what was familiar in Queer AS Folk that resembled my own life, but let me tell you it was a trippy experience.
This past week I haven't been able to sleep until like 4 AM in the morning. My mind is just overwhelmed with thoughts and I'm swept up in emotions that I don't know what to do with. I have been going on this insane ride having numerous conversations with myself because I just can't voice or speak what's on my mind or in my heart to anyone else. My past still lingers in the shadows... always lurking, following behind me... in the light and in the darkness, it's always there. I look to the past with hope to find answers for my present and future happiness. I've forgotten how to look inside myself for the key to my own happiness. I am easily distracted in this manner by the next guy place unfounded expectations upon to show me happiness. I can only rely on myself for that and hope to meet someone who is also happy with himself and only then will we be able to be happy together. I have only twice in my life thought I found this state of happiness with anyone. Always hoping to find the one who will actually stay with me. The idea is wonderful, but the reality is what I must live with. I put too much effort into trying to be with someone who I place expectations of being that special someone... I push hard enough to get through the front door, but end up with so much momentum that I find myself turning around to see that I pushed myself right out the back door.
February 24, 2003
I need to work harder at getting myself to that point where it doesn't matter whether or not I am single. A year ago I was quite happy being single. It didn't really bother me one bit. I had my friends. I worked hard at my job. I think the main ingredient was the fact that I kept myself busy. It looks like I need to work at keeping myself busy when I'm not at work. Hmmmm... come to think of it I didn't spend so much time online either. All I seem to find online are the guys who come in, sweep me off my feet for a second, and then drop me like a hot potato or something. I've just gotten a little bitter and jaded in the past few months of unsuccessful dating. There were a couple potentially good guys in the lot, but I don't know what happened between the time I saw it in them to what I don't see of them now.
Just gotta keep reminding myself that everything happens for a reason. I try to find patterns in what's happened to me in my 24+ years of life. I'm a number-cruncher. I like working with numbers and I seem to be good at remembering dates of some significant events in my life. I'm realizing there are a few times of the year where I am just not myself. Usually it's some "significant" holiday or something like that where I wished that I could spend the time with a significant other.
Lost my train of thought...
February 12, 2003
Why do I loathe this "holiday" called Valentine's Day? It's 2 days away and I have no clue whether this is going to be the year that changes a nearly 24-year-old routine of not having a date for the holiday for sharing with that special someone. Yeah, part of me says it's one of the stupidest holidays in the world because you should share your feelings with someone you care about practically every day you spend together. Maybe I don't understand myself again. I must be at another point in my life where I forget what the hell I have learned about myself and revert back to past behavior because it is more well rehearsed throughout my life. But at the same time, I know better than that. Someone out there is going to want to be with me because of who I am. We all have flaws. The power of love allows you to overlook those flaws and accept them as part of the person who you love.
I knew what being in love was like. I was pretty lucky to have at least been able to experience that intense emotion with one person in my life. It took me a long time to figure out that my own family does love me. It may not be so apparent in the things they do or the things they say, but it is there and I finally recognize that it exists. I know that my friends love me and care for my well-being as much as I care for them and their well-being. Love is a reciprocal emotion at its greatest. It hurts when it feels like love is traveling on a one-way street from your heart to someone else and not flowing in the opposite direction simultaneously. I guess I just need to walk away from things knowing that I was able to care about someone and remember that the only thing I can hope for is that that particular someone will be willing to demonstrate any reciprocal feelings. Anyways, enough about all that until the next time I feel like writing.
January 21, 2003
Another lesson learned. One that I have already learned but apparently need to learn again for it to stick. You hurt the ones you care about when you hide things from them. It was never my intention to withhold information about my past that would somehow come back to hurt someone I care about. Sometimes, life just forces you to face things in your past that were left unresolved and finally resolve them. I hope that this helps to make me a better person. I need to be upfront about things that bother me... or in general, just be upfront about anything and completely honest when dealing with people. Especially when dealing with people I care about. I've seen what it does in my own family and I have seen it in past relationships when things were kept hidden from a significant other. Take note of your mistakes so you can look back on them and remember to avoid committing them again. That is the way history teaches to prevent further repetitions.
Tears will not do anything but serve as a sign of release of heavy emotional burden that is either pushing you further down or being lifted off your shoulders.
January 18, 2003 Please look at me I miss gazing into your eyes They used to shine With livelihood So full of smiles I care for you No matter what you think When the world goes crazy I’m still crazy for you Whether you speak or not It says a lot to me You seem wise beyond your years Enjoy conversations lasting for hours When we lose track of all time Just you and I Not a care in the world I’m happy Happier than I’ve been in a long time Can’t stand to see you so down You know I care about you And if that scares you I can’t help it I’ll take you as a friend I’ll take you for whatever you want to be You demonstrate qualities that are strong We’re all still maturing in some way You impress me with your intelligence You don’t even need to impress me What I see in you is worth the time What do you see in yourself? I can’t fully explain what I see in you I just hope my feeling is right Holding on to the hope that you’ll let me in Let me stay near to you I meant it when I said “You are worth waiting for.” Whether or not you believe You are who you are I want to know you
January 16, 2003
I enjoyed my 3 days off of work. I needed a breather most definitely. I have to say that I enjoyed my birthday celebrations this year... and I do mean CELEBRATIONS. It's funny that in order to pull off a successful surprise birthday party, you have to get the birthday boy really depressed in the few days preceding the party. That'll teach me to try and plan something for my own birthday, huh? I have to admit... I was VERY SURPRISED!!! It was nice to see that my friends care enough to keep something like that from me for weeks in order to give me the full effect of surprise on a night that I thought wasn't going to turn out the way I had hoped... and honestly, it didn't... it was BETTER! I may not have gotten to spend my birthday with the great guy that I am dating, but I know that he was thinking about me. :) It felt like an entire weekend or so was devoted to celebrating my birthday and it was a lot of fun. Surprise party a couple days before my birthday and then another get-together with my family and friends on my actual birthday. Welcome to the world of the 24-year-olds. LOL
January 7, 2003
"Wise men say only fools rush in, but I can't help falling..." Sometimes, it's refreshing to play a fool if you want to get a laugh out of life. Everyone plays the role of the fool at some point in life or another. Maybe I play that role a little too naturally when it comes to getting attached to people. I try to stop myself, but it's like trying to stop a runaway train. I know myself to be a very emotionally-driven person. I relish times when I can be around someone and feel totally comfortable in his presence. Aside from a little nervousness at not knowing whether or not there is chemistry between us, I truly enjoy spending time with someone who can hold a conversation or just be able to be in the same room with you in silence and not be totally unnerved by it. I want so much to be myself around someone and for him to appreciate me for who I am and want for me to be around. Then I get so wrapped up in that feeling that I may overdo it or delude myself into thinking that I am overdoing it. Mind tricks are pretty bad when you play them on yourself. Maybe I need to just getaway from everything for a while... I haven't had a real vacation since May of 2002. I don't know why it is that I think about the past when I didn't feel that I had any friends based upon the single fact that my phone didn't ring. I know, it's silly to think that no one cares about me... I know it's not true and I learned that nearly 5 years ago. If I ever go back to that dark place again, hell, it's not even worth thinking about because I will not go back to that dark place ever again. I talked someone out of those same dark thoughts I had a long time ago. I've experienced love in my life from an unexpected source and also realized that it was there my whole life from other sources, but just not the way that I perceived for them to be. Just gotta believe that someone out there wants me for who I am and is willing to be there with me through all the changes. Friends are good for that and so is that guy who will share in my happiness.
January 5, 2003
I'm awake at nearly 7 AM Pacific Standard Time... like I woke up from a nap with my friend sleeping on the floor out in the living while I am sitting here at my computer writing in this journal and semi-watching Christina Aguilera's Dirrty video. I love song lyrics. I really, really love song lyrics. If it doesn't move me in some way, whether that be emotionally or rhythmically, then I tend not to like a song. Then again, it seems I am not hard to please when it comes to music either. Oh well. :)
Music artists that seem to hit me these days are the likes of Avril Lavigne, Christina Aguilera, DJ Sammy, Matchbox 20, Justin Timberlake, No Doubt, Garbage... the list could go on forever... just check out my CD collection.
I think everyone is guilty of something that I have come to grips with as having committed myself in this life: breaking off some type of relationship with someone claiming that you can still be friends and then cutting that person out of your life whether it be slowly or abruptly. The hardest thing about that situation is when you are the person being cut off when you feel that you would honestly put in the effort to maintain a friendship with that person. Life teaches lessons and sometimes those lessons come as harsh realities. My friends know and I know myself that I tend to fall in love easily (hmmmm, it says so in Chinese zodiac for the Horse, which is my sign). I am trying to take it upon myself to steer myself away from that mode. The thoughts running through my mind to counter that are: i.e. "Just have fun and enjoy spending time with him." "If things are meant to work out, you will both work on it and it will work out." "You can't always concern yourself about the distant future. You might miss out on good times worrying about too many bad outcomes." So I will try to adopt this way of thinking in terms of dating or just meeting new friends and see how it works for me. I am already satisfied with the good friends who choose to remain in my life as I remain in theirs. All relationships are two-way streets and there's no point trying to go down a road where one side is blocked off.
January 2, 2003
Deja vu! A change in The Matrix signified by a "glitch"... the reoccurence of a single event as experienced by one person at two separate times in life... the first time in a dream only subconsciously remembered and subsequently in waking life which triggers the subconscious recall of the event occurring as seen in the dream. So I have seen that this year has started off with me holding on to someone who may in fact become a significant part in my life... or at least someone I hope will become a significant part of my life. With the new year, comes a new attitude... a new outlook on how to lead my life. I can't always worry about what may come to pass because I will miss out on what is happening in the present. As many times as I have been hurt in the past, I cannot allow those feelings of hurt to serve as a distraction from those people or things in life that may prove to become a source of reciprocated happiness. You can only control yourself in this world and you have to make sure that you are doing your part to ensure the experience of happiness. It's been a long time since I've looked into someone's eyes and seen that glimmer which says to me that a person could care for me the way I would like to care for him. I hold on to the hope that this glimmer never fades so that I may cherish it every time I look into his mesmerizing eyes.
December 30, 2002
"Feelin' hella good, so let's just keep on dancin'..." I have such good friends looking out for me. But life is so complicated. You meet people in your life who you file in your "good" category and you try to hold on to them for all they're worth. In reality, everyone and everything comes with qualities that can either be viewed as "good" or "bad." It's all dependent on a person's point of view.
I have finally come to realize, after constant prodding, that I tend to overanalyze all sorts of situations. I pour too many expectations into situations that take away from any of the real excitement that could come from not expecting anything at all. You can't plan everything in the world; some things will just fall in place. Feeling comfortable with someone is one of the better feelings in life. You savor it and look forward to the next time you can feel that again. "Stop and smell the roses." Each day brings new possibilities and you have to take in as much as you can. The task for me is to continue to slow things down so that I can actually enjoy them instead of worrying about the uncontrollable circumstances on the way.
December 22, 2002
"It's a small world after all..." Most definitely true! Isn't it funny how people from your fairly distant past can just show up in your life again? Four years after losing my virginity, I run into the guy who I gave it up to... I mean, our friendship didn't last too long after that fateful event and I had pretty much written him off because of the awkwardness. Welcome to the world of insanity. Thoughts that ran through my head included: "Does he even remember or recognize who I am?" "Do I let him know I remember him?" It's a given that people will change over time. Some things remain static within a person, but who is to say which characteristics possess that static quality?
Life can be so frustrating sometimes, too. Sometimes, you just run into those really bad days.. the ones that start off bad and end up being worse. The kind of days where you might indulge in a little bit of alcohol to loosen yourself up while you try to relax and let the ill thoughts of the day pass out of you so you can have a good night's sleep and best wishes for a better day tomorrow. Anyways, I thought I may have had more to write, but perhaps I lost my train of thought to the obstacle known as alcohol.
December 7, 2002
Isn't it strange how a slap in the face can modify your outlook on life? I try too hard to please people and neglect to satisfy the needs of an important person in my life... myself. Overanalyzing the disadvantages of being single has clouded my logic to the point where I really needed someone to just outright push me to realize what I was doing to myself and what I may inflict on other people when I surround myself with negative thoughts. I probably lost a potentially good friend, but I guess life has many casualties and mistakes that are part of the learning process. Everyone that you encounter serves some purpose to steer you in unseen directions throughout life. It may seem bad at the instant that the event occurs, but hindsight has a way of creeping up on you and shedding light on the situation and its consequences. I have material goals to erradicate the lovely monetary debt I have accumulated through poor use of credit cards, but I have failed to recognize until recently the need to set personal goals... my desire to recapture the attitude in which I was able to remain happy with my life despite all the hardships.
December 4, 2002
'Tis the season... for what? The holiday season is here again and life is just so confusing some times. When you're single, you try to be content with having just your friends and family, but sometimes in the back of your mind you are still wishing that you could spend the holidays with a significant other.
Echoes from the past are getting a little louder these days. I'm trying to keep my ears open for sounds of the future. In the meantime, I try to listen to music to cater to my fluctuating emotions. Distractions are what I need right now... otherwise, I find myself overanalyzing every little detail that enters my ever busy mind. How do you read yourself? Read your own emotions and attempt to make good decisions for your life? The answers almost always lie within you, but it can be difficult to pick out the "right" answer among all the possible answers that formulate in your mind. Life is about making decisions and living with the consequences of those decisions. You make mistakes along the way and hopefully learn valuable lessons from the situations they create. Sometimes, you just move on and push things to the depths of your mind... sometimes, you hold on to the past and use it as a guide for future decision-making circumstances... never expect things to work out the way you want them to... you can have things your way every once in a while, but for the most part you can't because circumstances and people change.
OK, this was very random, but I needed to write something just now...
November 9, 2002
The world works in mysterious ways. One minute, you're happy... the next minute, you're going completely insane. How am I supposed to read an away message that is addressed specifically to me? Granted, I may be needing the alcohol in my system to subside, but in a way, the tone of the message doesn't seem too pretty at all. I'm not even sure what prompted the message to be displayed and maybe I'm overreacting a bit.
Friendship is a two-way street built upon a bridge. You can't get across the bridge if one end of it is burnt. I've seen too many bridges burnt in my lifetime of nearly 24 years. Unfortunately, most of those bridges are burnt while I am seemingly on my way to the other side. In this manner, I get burnt... I get hurt... real bad. No one seems to care. Hell, I even forget to care about myself when it happens. It comes as no surprise when I start to retreat into myself when I've been hurt. There seems to be something about me that makes people want to push me away. I let them get close, make myself vulnerable, and then it hits me... they've taken away want they wanted or what they thought they wanted and leave me to ponder the unanswerable question of why.
The hardest lesson I have yet to put into practice is to leave the past behind and work on what can be influenced... to concentrate on the future because that is what you still have left in which you can make changes. The past is your unalterable history; the people and events that have shaped the way you are today. Without experiencing all the joys and pains of what life brings to your plate, you cannot be who you are at the present time. You can wish to erase some things and you can hope that other things may turn out the way you wanted, but ultimately you will develop a sense of "hindsight" about the past and realize that things can work out for the better... no matter how much you think or feel the way you wanted things to turn out is what would have been better.
November 4, 2002
My work schedule has changed from what I've been doing for the past year. I've gone from the set schedule of early morning shifts to the sporadic mid-morning to closing shifts. My first night of closing wasn't too bad at all. The crew seems to know exactly what to do before closing without any prompting. That'll make it all the more easier on me to take care of other things that need to be finished before we close up for the night. Tonight will be my first night closing all by myself as the only management member along with a couple closing clerks. It'll be interesting today because it's just me and the store manager again today, but we're open a little longer than we were yesterday. I won't get a real taste of how the store is run when we have all the management staff available until I get back to work on Thursday after a couple days off. I'm sure I will pick it up. I can be quick like that. :)
This was so weird. Last night, I totally fell asleep before midnight. I am usually wide awake past the midnight hour even when I had to get up to be at work by 7 in the morning. I think ever since I got news of where I was going to start my management training my body has finally gotten into a more healthy groove. I have gotten my near 8 hours of sleep a night for the past few days and can actually get up out of bed without too much fussing about the time of day ofr anything. Some changes can be really good. Apparently, I have developed this really voracious appetite lately. I'm eating a noticeable amount more than anyone has really seen me eat. I was putting away a steak dinner with appetizers and salad and a lot of other things and I wasn't feeling sickly stuffed. Even lately at McDonald's, I've been putting away a couple sandwiches and an order of fries instead of just one of those extra value meals without the extra sandwich. Makes me wonder if I am a really late bloomer... Since the last time I weighed myself, I've put on that 7 lbs. to bring me up to 120 lbs. Weird!
November 3, 2002
I'm just sitting online right now passing the time until I start my new position as a second assistant manager at a new store for me. I am really excited and I hope it'll be a good day. I get to learn the ropes and bring in all the experience I have accumulated in 2.5 years with the company. Do you think that's enough? LOL
Wishing happy thoughts for my friend Colt who turns 19 today. Funny how at that age (gawd, I am sounding OLD), I was just coming out to myself and eventually started coming out to my friends. It's weird to think that I felt quite "beyond my years" at age 19. I think I always felt "beyond my years" as I was growing up. I guess that's what happens when your life doesn't stay constant enough or stable enough for you to enjoy your childhood because you're always having to pick up and move and start your life in a whole new setting. You tend to grow up faster just to keep up.
You run into so many people in life. Some just pass you by; some stay and chat for a while; then there are those who stick with you on the road of life. I'm constantly on the search for those who will travel the road of life with me. I think I've experienced, just like everyone else in this world, many times over the sting of meeting people in this world who just pass you by or don't care to stick around when all you want to be is a friend. Aren't I just one of those people who wears their heart on their sleeve for all the world to see? I've met a good deal of people; few who have come into my life and truly made an impression on me. The rarest person to find in this world is actually yourself. You learn about yourself in the time you spend alone and in the time you spend with other people who reflect back at you the qualities and abilities that you embody. If you ever run across someone who acts as a mirror of your best qualities and your worst qualities, hold on to him or her. He/she is going to be a good friend in life... and potentially, he/she may be someone with whom you can have a good relationship. In my estimation, I have met 3 such guys who had the potential of being that mirror for me. In all honesty, I realize that the time I spent with these particular guys was not paramount to the time I have spent with my closest friends, but in a way, that time spent together was quality. Not to say that I don't see the deepest qualities in the time I spend with my friends. I'm just saying that I believe I have had 3 relationships where I could picture myself with him for a long time, but it just didn't work out. Then I become so afraid that he will forget all of that and move on with his life and exclude me from it where a friendship may have sufficed. I've already lost touch with 2 out of the 3 and of course, I am a bit frightened of the prospect of the 3rd one fading with time. But I guess, you just have to let go sometimes and things will work themselves out... with a little help, of course.
October 15, 2002
Life is just full of surprises. Each day can be a roller coaster in and of itself just as life is. Today was a big example of that. My work day was pretty stressful. Yet another example of how versatile and well-rounded I am in working skill, but yet my pay doesn't reflect the quality and quantity of my work. Some good news I received today was that my friend and I got approved for the apartment, so we can begin moving in sometime next week or so. Then I started thinking about how I wonder how much longer I will have to wait before my company decides to make the move to place me into management at a different store. All this, and now I have just found out that my maternal grandfather has passed away.
He used to live with us when I was growing up back in Fort Ord, California. He moved with us to Hawaii and then when we had to move away, he stayed with my mom's youngest sister in Hawaii. News of his passing just brought back memories of things that I haven't thought about in such a long time that it's so captivating how moments like these rekindle fond old memories or how it is as likely to draw up not-so-fond memories. My grandpa taught me how to roll my tongue so I can make that "rrrrrrrrrr" sound that sounds like purring. He also taught me how to whistle. He was always interested in knowing how things were going with my education and no matter how little money he had, he would always give me a little something to either save up or treat myself to something nice. It was kind of weird because there is that whole generation gap. Not only that, we were raised in very different periods of time as well as in different cultures. He was born and raised in the Philippines and I was raised in the United States. I realize that I may have taken things for granted when he was in my life. Out of all my grandparents, he was the one who came closest to getting to know me and was able to watch me grow up for a little while. Although the focus was always on education because he was a teacher back in the Philippines, at least he put in the effort to get to know me in some capacity. It's more than I can say for many people I have met in my life. I'm not going to let my emotions get the better of me and start ranting off about people who didn't show as much interest in my life. I guess you can always learn a lesson from someone whether or not they are still here in the physical form.
I guess this is the first time anyone pretty close to me has ever passed away. I know I've gone to many funerals of relatives, but never have I dealt with the passing of a relative who I actually got to spend time with and who showed interest in what was going on in my life, even for a little while. I know my mom misses him very, very much. I start to feel guilty that I may not think as highly or as strongly for my parents, but maybe I just don't understand how I am feeling about them. There has been so much change, so many things that have happened in the last few years. I know I love my parents... it may not come out the way anyone could possibly imagine, but I do love them. It took me a long time to realize that they truly do love me, too. They just express their love in a different way. Now that I think about it, I can see where I get my desire to help others... my grandfather was always offering help to those around him. To a fault, he may have helped others and inadvertently diverted his energies temporarily from his own kids. To a fault, I have helped others at times where I may have been the one who was more in need of help.
I can't remember the last time I saw my grandpa. I know he's been asking to see me on many occasions... ever since I moved away from home, I have been pretty inaccessible. My mom tells me that he talked as though he knew his time was almost up. He wanted to gather all of his grandchildren and all his children to see them all together one last time. The plans were in the making, but he left this world before he could see that come to fruition.
Why is it so hard for me to look at my parents and say to them "I love you"? I've uttered those words to special friends in my life and, in one case, I uttered them on many occasions to the man who was my first love. Three simples words, but with such powerful meaning that you can either wield its power or crumple under its intensity. I want everyone I care about to know that I do care about them and that I appreciate all the things we have shared in this life in both the good and the bad times. Try not to hold back so much when you know you care about someone... let it be known to yourself and let it be known to them.
October 13, 2002
Good morning! It's only on the weekends that I get like 8 hours of sleep. Oh well. :) It's been a month since I asked to be considered for management and I have yet to be placed into a store for management training. I guess they do have a couple more weeks to get things figured out before assigning me to my new store. I'm really excited about a lot of things going on in my life right now. It's been a nice turnaround from the past year that I have gone through.
Change can be good and change can be bad. The past few months, change has been good to me. The past year had felt pretty stagnant to me. I wasn't going anywhere with my job because I had hit the ceiling for pay and I was taking on more responsibility. Spent the year trying to get acquainted with myself again after another breakup in a pretty significant relationship for me. The worst of the stress in the past year spurred from experience after experience of people screwing me over financially with horrible roommate situations. Financial setbacks are a terrible thing to have to combat, but somehow I have survived without having to push myself into other situations that would be uncomfortable for me.
The new wave of change in my life has sparked a better perspective on life and I'm living much happier. By pursuing a position in management, I am opening more doorways for opportunities in the future of my career options. It also gives me a little more help in remedying my financial woes. I'm finally ready to move in with a friend into a new place to lower my rent payments and it also is gonna get me to be even more social sharing a place with someone again. Although, my social life has picked up quite a bit in the past few months with dating and hanging out with new people. I have a wonderfully intelligent and mature boyfriend who I can talk to about anything. We live our separate lives, for in a way, we are both leading pretty busy and independent lives, but it is an absoulte pleasure when we get to spend time together as a couple. My friends have beared witness to a marked increase in my level of happiness in comparison to the past year and I can feel it in myself, too. I am happy as can be. :)
September 16, 2002
Rain, rain, go away, come again some other day. I want to go to Puyallup and play at the fair!!! It is always so weird seeing the differences in your life when you are single and when you start dating again. When you're single, you are either content with having all that time to get reacquainted with yourself or you are longing to have someone to date. When you start dating, you are either content with who you are with or you start getting yourself all confused about every guy in your life. I swear I do too much thinking and analyzing sometimes and it drives me nuts. I've never fully understood the concept of dating. Supposedly, there is a way to actually go out on dates and not have a boyfriend. But in that case, you know there is going to be one party who would not be happy that the other party is going out on dates with other guys. In most cases, that unhappy party would be myself. But sometimes lately, I want to try this weird concept of dating without having a boyfriend... being able to go out with different guys and just get to know them before feeling comfortable enough deciding on who to have as a boyfriend... that decision must also be accepted by the intended person as well. *Why'd I have to go and make things so complicated*
September 3, 2002
Compare my life to a baseball game, I feel like I am a bench player waiting to make a plate appearance. My heart is racing with anticipation for the chance to be called up to take a swing at the ball. Looking back on past experiences, I have been thrown a great deal of curve balls. I've been hit by pitches, swung and missed, even made contact once in a while. Sometimes, I feel that I am too intense of a player. In my mind, that would explain why I sit on the bench and watch others take swings at the ball.
I am armed with a plethora of emotions that can seem quite volatile to the untrained eye (or heart). I tend to wear these emotions on my sleeve for all to see. Every once in a while, I can hide them, but usually they are the lower-energy depressive types of emotions. I am proud to wear my happy emotions on my sleeve when I am blessed enough to experience them.
I digress and my mind runs randomly through thoughts and emotions now. In my disillusioned image of myself when I am single, I feel as though my purpose in life is to show people a glimpse of happiness that spurs them to find a satisfying amount of happiness with someone else. The two times I have felt truly intense happiness in my life... I ended up being left behind and he found happiness with someone else later down the road. Perhaps, in some weird way, that is to be the story of my life... To come away with the knowledge that I helped someone experience a level of happiness that they could bring into a relationship with another person. All I ever hope for is that people experience happiness, whether that be with me or with someone else. I relish the opportunities I have to share in that happiness, but I have yet to experience that type of happiness in a lasting frame of time. Who knows if the time will come for me? I will just try my best to be content with the way my life is and continute to go on pursuing things to add to my personal store of happy experience.
September 1, 2002 (#2)
Wow! I guess I must be bored! Been working on this web site today, haven't really hung out with anyone today. Everyone else had something to do, whether it was work or some kind of play. Oh well, huh? Sometimes it's nice to spend time alone and collect your thoughts. Boys are confusing as hell... but what can you do? Sometimes, things just aren't fair... mutual attraction isn't enough sometimes... so many things to factor in like geography, work schedules, life circumstances... you may meet a really great guy, but the situation doesn't play out the way you may really want them to... just one of life's abundant lessons. You live and learn (cliché, I know). Anyways, back to "work"...
September 1, 2002
So, I have decided to try this online journal again to get things off my mind and out in the open... should be quite therapeutic, don't ya think?
I haven't spent this much time on my website in a long time. The website has been up for almost 4 years now and I think I haven't paid much attention in the past 2 years. I guess life has been busy since I graduated from college and even after that experience I still am trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. All I know right now is that it is time for yet more changes in my life.
In a couple days, I will be asking to be considered for a management position at work. I've worked there for 2 years now and I have learned so much that I need another challenge in life. Time flies by so fast these days.
I tried to go an entire year without dating... and for the most part, I think I held close to that goal. I know I messed up somewhere in the last couple months with really confusing "dating" situations... for the most part, not knowing whether I was even dating the guy or not or what the hell was going on and all that. But today, I know I am single and just looking to meet people and hang out with friends and just let things happen. Met some really good people... not sure what will become of my interactions with them, but that's a fact of life. You just live each day and let all events unfold.
I just have to remember one simple thing about the whole world of possibilities in dating: DON'T LOOK FOR MR. RIGHT, BE MR. RIGHT!!! I know that I am Mr. Right for some lucky guy out there... just kinda wish I knew who he was and either make his acquaintance or discover that he is someone with whom I have already become acquainted.
That will be it for the inaugural entry for my new online journal. Joel signing off... LOL.